You’re not going to believe how this happened to me, in fact, it’s a bit of a mystery as to how you’re even reading this but let’s not get bogged down in little things like that because I know you’re going to want to read this. I mean, you clicked on the story after all.
So, I was feeding my cat, right? Just about as mundane of a thing as you can think of, just a normal boring everyday occurrence, I’m pouring kibble out into his bowl and out floats a golden piece of paper, straight out of the bag and lands in his bowl. Now I’m thinking, “What on earth is this?” I hadn’t noticed that there was a special promotion on the bag but sure enough, there it was, “Have you won a golden ticket?” the bag asks in a little sticker in the corner. Well, obviously I’d only gone and won one of these golden tickets and you might be wondering what I won so I’m going to tell ya.
It turned out that I’d won a guided tour of the Tricksy Treats factory, shocking right? Now you’re probably wondering why anyone would want a tour of a cat food factory, well, you weren’t the only one. I wasn’t really bothered about touring a cat food factory either but the bag said that I’d get a stay in a fancy hotel, some spending money and there was something about possibly winning the whole factory but that bit was all crossed out like they didn’t want me to know that.
Anyway, I thought “Why not?” and rang the claim hotline, I was told that the tour would be led by the enigmatic owner and creator of Tricksy Treats, Tabitha Tricksy herself! Yeah, I’d never heard of her either and things were starting to feel a bit familiar but I went along with it anyway, what’s the worst that could happen right?
So, the day arrives and I’m to be at the factory gates at 10am sharp, there’s just me and this other woman stood there with a photographer who takes a picture of us both, apparently the fella wasn’t a professional, he just helped out with photos for the factory because he had a good camera, he starts telling me and this woman about how he works as a driver for the company but he’s interrupted by the gates magically opening by themselves.
“Oh, sorry.” he mumbles, “Must have accidentally pressed my access fob.”
It’s 10am so me and this other woman decide to walk into the factory grounds, she tells me her name is Patrice and I smile and make pleasantries. She’s what you’d expect from one of those types, you know what I mean, these cat ladies. Short permed hair, big glasses, mom jeans and a sweater with a big picture of a white fluffy kitten on it, she’s somewhere in her 50’s and is a fatty, looks like she gave up on dating decades ago and she smells oddly of lavender and ammonia.
Anyway, we’re greeted by this short woman in a green top hat and tails, this is Tabitha apparently and she welcomes us to the tour. I joked that I expected there to be more people on the tour and she shot me a serious look, “It’s expensive to offer these things you know and we don’t have money to just throw around. What do you think this is? Some sort of chocolate factory?” She gets us to sign some paperwork and then the tour begins.
So, we’re walking around and Tabitha takes us through all the processing plant, packaging, all that sort of stuff. It’s really boring and the place reeks of fish, I can’t wait for it to be finished whereas Patrice is lapping it up like this is some sort of magical experience. It’s only once we get to research and development that things start to get interesting, interesting for you lot anyway, I wish I’d never gone through those doors.
Tabitha bleats on about all the work they put into coming up with “exciting new flavours and products.” Then she tells us about this new product that they’re really working hard on but it’s top secret so we’re not allowed to tell anyone. “People see their pets as part of the family so here at Tricksy Treats we’re working on a new line of food that all of the family can enjoy.”
Long story short, it was pet food that humans could eat, or was it human food that pets could eat? Whatever, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Tabitha told us how it was still at the experimental stage and how they hadn’t gotten to trials yet but there was a bowl of this stuff just sitting there on one of the work benches.
Well, this is where things go pear shaped for yours truly. Tabitha gets called away for a moment by this really short fella with a dodgy looking tan, leaving myself and Patrice to our own devices. “I love cats but I’m not sure I’d want to share their dinner.” pipes up Patrice.
“Why? Scared you’d start shitting in a litterbox?” I joked around.
“No, it just seems a bit much.” she replied, this, coming from someone who probably has an Instagram account for her cats.
“Oh, lighten up Patrice.” I laughed, grabbing one of the biscuits and popping it in my mouth, it tasted horrible, like old sardines. But I couldn’t spit it out and lose face in front of this complete stranger so I swallowed it down while she made a disgusted look.
Soon enough Tabitha was back and she concluded the tour, I wasn’t feeling too sharp though, something that she picked up on, “You look a little peaky, are you feeling alright?”
“She ate some of your experimental food.” blabbed Patrice.
“Bloody grass!” I spat as I started to feel quite ill, Tabitha looked a bit pale herself come to think of it.
“You signed those releases, didn’t you?” she asked me all frantic like.
“Yeah why?” I asked before a pain in my belly doubled me over.
“No reason.” she replied, “There’s a driver waiting to take you back to your hotel, good day.” She couldn’t get out of there quick enough and with good reason.
That bloody food I ate was having a rather strange effect on me, most of what happened next has been relayed to me by Patrice because it’s all a bit of a blur really. She says that it took about 15 minutes from start to finish but it felt like hours to me.
All at once I started sprouting fur all over my body, ginger fur as I’m a natural redhead but I used to bleach my hair blonde, used to be the key words there. Apparently, I was quickly covered by the stuff as my slim athletic frame was padded with soft fat that split the seams of all of my clothes. Patrice says that the button popping off my jeans nearly took her eye out but I reckon she’s a bit dramatic.
She says that when my ears migrated to the top of my head and I sprouted whiskers that she was very concerned at first but I looked very cute so she wasn’t worried for long. Lastly, I grew a long slinky tail and my little pink nose twitched as I tried to call out for help but all that came out was a rather pathetic sounding “Meow.”
Patrice says she tried to call Tabitha back but the door she left through was locked and we never saw her again. I didn’t know what to do but Patrice assured me that she’d take care of me and had the driver take us back to her house instead of the hotel. He must have seen this sort of thing before as he didn’t bat an eyelid.
I thought that taking care of me meant that she’d help me pursue this matter in the courts but apparently not as I’ve not left her house since. I can’t speak English anymore so it’s not like I can call anyone for help. I just spend my days lounging around Patrice’s house on large velvet pillows that she has scattered around for us, me, Peaches, Fuzzy Pete, Mittens, Socks and Fred. Fred gets a bit territorial but he knows I’d kick his ass if he tried anything.
The tag on my collar says Muffin, I keep telling her that’s not my name but she just gets me more kibble to shut me up. I’m not a big fan of kibble but as long as I get my ten pouches of wet food a day, I don’t complain too much. I still haven’t got used to shitting in a litter box though.
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