One of Us

My name is Carrie Miller and I’d like to tell you about a series of occurrences that happened to me recently.

It was on my 18th birthday that it all started. I had a small gathering of friends and family at our home before I had planned on hitting the clubs and properly celebrating, you know, the blowing out the candles and gift giving part of the festivities.

I’d gotten some awesome gifts, Mom and Dad had gotten me a new laptop, some new dresses, and a lovely pair of shoes that I was going to wear that evening. My friends had all gotten me various gift cards to things we could enjoy together, as was the norm for our friend circle, everything was going great until I received the gift from my Aunt Karen.


I opened the envelope to receive two tickets to an exclusive spa, going by the brochure I could tell that it wasn’t a cheap gift but I was a little crestfallen.

“Thank you so much Aunt Karen, this is a lovely present but is there any way we can reschedule this? These tickets are dated for tomorrow and me and the girls are planning on being out all night, I don’t want to ruin the day by being hungover.”

I knew immediately that this was going to be a problem. Karen was always a little sensitive and I could tell my reaction to her gift had hit a nerve.

“Oh, that’s fine Carrie, it’s not like I spent hundreds on this gift, if it’s more important for you to go out with your friends than enjoy my gift then you go right ahead!”



She’d already begun twitching and I looked to my Mom for some sort of support. She just gave me that look that said “please just do what she wants” she had been dealing with Karen since she was a child and knew that it was always easier to let Karen have her way. Still, it was my birthday and I desperately looked for a way out of the situation.

“It’s just that it’s such short notice and I wouldn’t be able to choose which of my friends to take, it’s hardly fair to pick just one after all, they are all here and I don’t want to play favourites.” I looked to my friends who were all sympathetically nodding but I think they knew what was about to happen.

“You don’t have to pick one of your friends!” spat Aunt Karen “The tickets are for us!” she said, snatching up the tickets from my hand.

I inwardly groaned, not only was I going to miss out on my birthday night out with my friends, I was going to have to spend all day tomorrow with my Aunt Karen, what a great gift!



“Well, I suppose we can go out next weekend” I offered meekly, my friends were all obviously disappointed but nodded their agreement. God damn Aunt Karen! Making my 18th all about her! This had better be the best spa day ever!





I had to get up at an ungodly hour the following morning as Karen wanted to make the most of the day, thankfully I’d had a decent night’s sleep, no pesky hangover thanks to her! I quickly showered and washed my long brunette hair; I applied my makeup tastefully and dressed in a red chequered shirt with black skinny jeans and finished off my look with a slouch beanie and my Cons. I always had a slight willowy figure and I liked it just fine, I never had much problem finding a date that’s for sure.

I was going to grab a quick breakfast of muesli and a banana but I was rudely interrupted by Karen blasting her horn outside as I reached for my bowl. I just sighed and walked out to meet her.

There she was, same as always, some generic boyband pop blaring out of her BMW, sunglasses on and not a hair out of place. She obviously took pride in her appearance but she was more into comfort these days after having a few kids, she was a little soft around the middle and her bum was maybe a bit big but you could tell that she spent a lot of time in the gym, she looked good for a woman of her age I suppose, not that you’d ever ask her age, she had one of those haircuts that let you know it wasn’t worth the hassle.



We got coffee and doughnuts for breakfast, certainly not something I’d normally pick but Karen insisted it was okay for us to have a “cheat day” as it was my birthday. I didn’t need a cheat day; I wasn’t on a diet but I guess this was just Aunt Karen justifying why she wanted to eat doughnuts for breakfast without feeling guilty. I just had one and had my coffee black while she had a couple and loaded up on cream and sugar for her beverage.

I tried making small talk on the way to the spa but I wish I hadn’t. She spent the best part of an hour talking my ears off, going on and on about my nieces and how well they were doing at school, how much money my Uncle Ash was making and how this woman at work was a total bitch and how she had a vendetta against her.

I was truly thankful when we finally got out of the car and I could get a break from being the focus of her attention. The spa had valet parking and she chewed the poor guy out about scratching her car and how it would come out of his pay cheque if there was anything at fault. I just smiled sheepishly at him, hopefully letting him know I felt for him.

As we walked in, we were given a glass of champagne each and I quaffed mine in almost one gulp, I don’t normally hit the booze so hard in the morning but after enduring my Aunt I was ready for a drink. My Aunt saw this and mistook my act of desperation as me being a bit wild as it was my birthday.

“Yes girl! Time to celebrate!” she said as she downed her glass in one. Today was going to be torture I just knew it.



Once the receptionist had explained what we would be experiencing in our spa day both my Aunt and me made our way through to the changing rooms where we were given fluffy white robes and sandals to wear during our stay. Everything was extremely luxurious but I didn’t see anywhere to put my belongings, the attendant handed us a couple of baskets to put our belongings in once we were undressed, and I do mean undressed, I wasn’t even allowed to keep my underwear on, they assured us that our possessions would be “taken care of” and that I should leave everything with them. I objected to leaving my phone, saying that I wanted to take pictures of our day, I really wanted a lifeline in case my Aunt got too much for me but that request was also quashed, they even had a staff photographer should we want any keepsakes. I begrudgingly locked my phone and handed it over. What a weird place.

Now, I’m going to try and tell you about the whole experience as I remember it while also giving you a heads up as to what was really going on as I’ve since become aware of, I’ll try not to ramble but it’s my prerogative to give you as much detail as I see fit, it is my story after all!

Our first stop was the massage parlour, we both had full body massages but had our modesty shielded from each other by the use of those big curtains they use on hospital wards, this was actually so that I couldn’t see that my Aunt wasn’t exactly getting the same massage as me.

Before lying on the table, I had a series of injections administered to my thighs, upper arms, buttocks and abdomen. I was spun some bullshit about them being a revolutionary vitamin substitute that would promote the firming of these “problem areas”. I told the masseuse I didn’t think I had any problem areas and she simply laughed “you don’t know the half of it”.

The truth of course couldn’t have been further from what I had been told, I later found out that the compound in the shots was actually designed to soften muscle matter and multiply fat cells, cloning any that were already present and waking up any that may have been dormant. The massage was just a front for making sure that the compound was distributed evenly in those areas.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt completely relaxed after the woman had worked her nimble fingers all over my body, kneading and pushing my now supple flesh around with expert skill, I swear I nodded off at one point it was so good!

I didn’t notice how husky my arms were now when I was helped into my robe, nor that my stomach pooched out just a little or that I was a little larger in the rear, I was feeling pretty blissed and told my Aunt as such.

She told me “if you feel good now, just wait until you’ve had your mud bath!” 



As we made our way through to the mud baths I was struck by a few things. Firstly, there seemed to be something odd about my body, as if I were having to fight to keep it moving in the direction I wanted, everything felt like I was moving in slow motion but I put that down to just being so relaxed.

The other thing was the odd colour of the mud in the baths. At every spa I had been to or seen on television the mud always appeared to be greenish/grey kind of colour, this however was different. This mud had a much more orange look to it, almost the colour of house bricks.

I queried this with my Aunt and she just brushed it off as other spas having inferior, cheaper mud, this was a really expensive spa and naturally had the very best mud. That made sense to me, how naïve I was.

We were instructed to remove our makeup and tie our hair back; it was imperative to get a full covering of the mud if we were to truly feel the benefits so we were told to make sure we got it everywhere. The baths were quite deep and it was quite easy to cover my entire body as I stepped down into the mud. I felt it squelch up between my thighs as I took a seat and got comfortable, I really would be getting a full coating. Once I was sat down, I made sure to grab a couple of handfuls of the mud and applied it liberally to my face and neck, making sure I covered everything. My Aunt helpfully made sure that I didn’t miss behind my ears and my nape, how thoughtful I thought at the time.

As the orange tinted heat lamps were turned on, I felt my body begin to tingle, “that’s your pores being tightened” my Aunt helpfully informed me. Of course, I was being misled again, what was actually happening was that as the mud was heated it was dying my skin a bright orange tan colour. Aunt Karen had long been known for her obviously fake tans and we had all assumed she just scheduled regular spray tans. Nope. Who would have thought that a weird bath of mud was the real secret behind her tangerine sheen?

Thankfully my Aunt didn’t talk my head off during the bath as I was worried, she would. She just sat in silence and let me listen to the tranquil music that they piped in to the room. It was very relaxing but left me with a small feeling of uneasiness, I’d find out what that was all in due time.



Once we were done with our mud baths we showered and changed back into our robes, I found it odd at the time that the light remained that strange colour even after the warmth was turned down but I had to admit I was getting a little hungry and was looking forward to having lunch.

The restaurant at the spa had a rainforest theme so the light was a little dim to set the scene, another distraction technique obviously, I was far too taken by the leafy interior and sumptuous looking menu to be concerned about my new bronzed skin tone. Aunt Karen ordered for both of us selecting the Chicken Parm as she’d had it before and it was “to die for”, it was more than I’d normally eat for lunch but I knew better than to argue with my Aunt Karen.

Our food came rather quickly thankfully as my hunger was starting to get on my nerves, something that never normally happened. As we ate my Aunt kept on asking how my food was, I replied that it was fine, honestly, I think I would’ve eaten anything at that point I’d gotten so hungry and I didn’t want to cause a scene. 

Still, my Aunt persisted “are you sure it’s fine?” she asked as she moved her food around her plate with her fork.

“Well, I guess it’s a little too salty” I responded honestly

“I knew it! I was thinking the same thing!” she stormed, slamming her fork down “you should complain” she pushed.

“Oh great, here we go” I thought to myself, Aunt Karen was going to have another one of her meltdowns. “It’s okay” I said trying to appease her “it’s really not a problem”.

“Not a problem?! This is your birthday and I paid good money for this experience! I want the very best for you, not just okay! Tell them to take it back!”

“Aunt Karen please” I pleaded “I’m really enjoying myself, there’s no need for complaints”

She pursed her lips and scrutinized me for a moment as I continued to eat my meal in an attempt to show her that there was really nothing wrong.

“Okay” she said, picking up her fork and starting to eat once again, “but I'm going to leave them a terrible review once I get home”.

I just rolled my eyes and carried on eating; thankful we had avoided another “Aunt Karen Moment”.



After lunch I had assumed that we would be shown to the spa’s leisure facilities but instead we were ushered through to what appeared to be a salon of some sorts. I turned to my Aunt for some sort of explanation and of course she had one waiting.

“I sprung for the whole beautification package for you as a special treat, hair and makeup, won’t that be nice?” she said, looking rather pleased with herself.

“Really Aunt Karen, that’s very sweet but I like my hair the way it is and I never wear much makeup...”

“Will you relax? Just let me treat you for your birthday! Trust me, you won’t regret it.” she smiled as we were seated.



The stylists came over and started talking to us about what we would like done to our hair, my Aunt asked for just a trim and I was going to say the same until she interrupted.

“It’s Carrie’s 18th birthday!” she blurted out to the stylist “I want her to have something special to remember this day by”.

“Say no more” said the stylist as she went ahead and lopped off my ponytail!

“Aunt Karen!” I shrieked

“Just relax” she smiled as her stylist began working on her hair “you’ll love it”.



How could I relax? I loved my long hair and I'd just lost 12 inches in one fell swoop! What’s more, there was no mirrors on the walls like you would expect in a normal salon so I couldn’t get a good look at what exactly was being done to me.

My Aunt was done a lot sooner than I was and she just looked on as my stylist continued to cut, clip and colour my hair, it felt like we had been in there hours and I was steadily getting angrier. I hadn’t even noticed the music that had been playing in the background was the same music from the mud baths. Apparently, I later learned the music contained subliminal messaging designed to bring out a sense of entitlement and lower the listener’s anger inhibitors. It’s no wonder I was feeling so grouchy.

By the time the makeup artists began their work I was thoroughly pissed off and just wanted to go home. They had some stupid nail woman working on my hands, naturally Aunt Karen told them exactly what “I wanted”. I was pissed at the stylist for undoubtedly ruining my hair even though I hadn’t seen it. I was pissed at my Aunt for allowing, no, encouraging it to happen and I was pissed at this makeup bitch for calling me ma’am.

“I’m eighteen you fucking troll” I thought to myself as she finished her work. Of course, I no longer looked eighteen, did I?

That massage and injections had left me with a softer, more mature looking figure, I now sported an obviously fake tan, a short haircut and this woman’s makeup skills had made me look a lot older than my years. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror when It was presented to me, I just stormed off towards the changing rooms.

“Fetch me my belongings now!” I growled at the attendant and I got a little enjoyment at seeing them scurry off to fetch my crate. Maybe I could understand a little why Aunt Karen acted the way she does if that’s how it makes her feel. Just a little though, I was nothing like my Aunt Karen.



When the peon returned with my crate, I snatched it from his hands and slammed the door of my private dressing cubicle as I entered. I disrobed and threw the robe under the door along with their stupid sandals. But if I was angry before, I hadn’t experienced anything yet.

As I opened the crate, I immediately recognised that the belongings inside were not my own.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, I shouted for that useless assistant but no-one answered me, I reached outside of my cubicle for my robe but it had already been collected.

“Oh, that son of a bitch, heads are going to roll for this” I muttered to myself as I got dressed in the clothes that were in the crate, I had no other choice, how was I going to get my correct clothes any other way? It’s not like I was going to parade out there naked!

So, I slipped on the black bra and panties, black yoga pants, white sports socks, white Reeboks and pink vest top, I was incredibly lucky that they were all a perfect fit. Yeah lucky, I actually thought that. I grabbed up the rest of the belongings, sunglasses, purse, mobile phone and house keys, I couldn’t leave them in the changing rooms knowing how careless they are with people’s possessions, and I made my way out into the larger dressing area, it was there that I finally got a real look at myself.

I’d initially thought it was my Aunt Karen, “she must have got dressed awfully quickly” I had thought. It was only when I noticed that her angry, stomping matched my own angry stomping that I realised that wasn’t Aunt Karen, that was me!

I just stared at myself in the mirror, horrified at what I saw. Gone were my long brunette tresses, replaced with an asymmetrical bob with blonde highlights. My formerly pale skin now radiated a deep bronze and I looked older, way older. Crow's feet at my eyes, prominent nasolabial folds and the hint of a double chin, my boobs looked bigger but they also looked less perky. My arms looked like orange fucking bread dough they were so soft and untoned, don’t even get me started on how wide my ass looked in those yoga pants, the waistband of which caused a slight muffening of my soft stomach. I bought my hand to cover my mouth which had gone slack from the revelation of what I’d just seen and recoiled at the pink acrylics that adorned each finger.

“No!” was all I managed to say



“Yes” came the answer of my Aunt, God knows how long I’d been standing there staring but she was already dressed and looking as flawless as always.

“You... you did this?!” I questioned her.

“Yes, and I’ll tell you why. Come on Carren, let’s get a coffee”.



I followed her through to the spa’s coffee shop that was located by the entrance, for the first time that day I was asked what I wanted.

“I’ll have a venti latte with four pumps white mocha, three pumps caramel brûlée, stirred and not swirled, with two extra shots and soy milk but with whip and caramel drizzle” I clasped my hand over my mouth as soon as I’d said it, having no idea what compelled me to order such an over the top coffee.

“Ooh that sounds good, I'll have the same” said my Aunt

The barista then asked us what names for the cups “Carrie and Karen” I said before my Aunt interjected

“No, no, no, like this sweetie, it’s Carren with a C and Karen spelled traditionally, understand?” she asked the barista condescendingly. She just nodded her head and told us our orders would be ready in a moment.



As we took a seat I was still bewildered as to what was happening, “Why did you do this?” I asked my Aunt

“Listen, Carren, you should be thanking me” stated my Aunt smugly “I had to wait until I was 20 to go through my procedure, your Grandpa was dead against it but your Nana knew it had to happen”.

“Firstly, it’s Carrie, stop calling me Carren and what are you talking about?!”

“It’s not Carrie sweetie, it never was, check your birth certificate, you’ve always been a Carren everyone just called you Carrie because it sounds cool but that’s inconsequential really, the fact is you’re a Carren and we Karen’s have an image to uphold!”

“It is Carrie! I’ll show you on my ID!” Without thinking I started routing through this foreign purse in search of my ID “See! There it is...” My words failed me as there it was in black and white Carren Miller and apparently, I was a little older than I remembered. “36?! I’m 36?!”

“Yes Hun, the truth is, we Karen’s aren’t born this way, there’s not enough injustice in the entire world to justify us being as angry and entitled as we are but the rules are the rules and once a Carren is named it’s her family’s honour and privilege to ensure that tradition is upheld and I was so lucky to be the one to welcome you to the fold. Happy 36th birthday sweetie”.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I felt like I’d been lied to my entire life. How could my parents lie to me like this?! My anger had begun to simmer.

The barista brought us our drinks and my Aunt took a big sip, I did the same.

“Mmm that is good, not sure they gave us soy milk though and well, I don’t want to annoy you but... they missed your caramel drizzle...”

“What?! I responded “I...” I could feel the anger building, I’d been through an emotional day.

“Oh shoot, they spelled your name wrong too...” she continued

“I...” it was like it was bubbling up in my belly, rising up my oesophagus, filling my mouth with a bitter taste.

“Go on sweetie, let it out.” My Aunt looked on, anticipating what was about to happen as the pressure built in my head.

“I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!” I blasted the imbecile in the apron, the look on her face was priceless.

“Yes!” shouted my Aunt “get your manager you little idiot!”

We watched as the barista ran to fetch her manager as if her job depended on it, because it absolutely did.

My Aunt gave me a hug and told me “Welcome to the club, Carren".

I just smiled and thanked her.



Since then I’ve been living up to my true potential as a Bonafide Carren but you had better not let me hear you call me a Karen or you’ll have hell to pay!

Needless to say, we were comped our coffees and received coupons for a healthy discount the next time we use the spa, I can’t wait to go back and get my nails done and if that damned stylist so much as looks at me wrong I’ll have her job over it!

So, remember when naming your kiddies, Karen’s aren’t born this way, it’s our right to be this way and if you don’t show them how, there’s always a Karen willing to show them how to be One of Us.



The End