Commission - Ho Ho Ho!

‘Twas the night before Christmas but you know that story don’t you? No, instead let me tell you a tale that ended in a very “good night”

Our old friend Saint Nick was doing his usual yearly rounds of dropping into families chimney pots and delivering armfuls of presents for ungrateful, snot nosed brats. Touring the entire globe in one night is tiring work you know, the man only gets cookies and milk to keep him going, the occasional mince pie and glass of sherry… or glass of port, it’s a wonder he didn’t make a mistake sooner.



The confusion on his tired, slightly inebriated face was priceless when he found his way into my living room.

“Oh! Hello little girl, aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”

If only he’d realised. That was his only chance for escape.

“I know Santa, but I so terribly wanted to see you, I’ve been waiting years”

I stepped out of the shadows to show him I wasn’t some little girl.

“Hmm I think old Santa may have made a wrong turning somewhere along the way”

“Oh nonsense Santa, it’s okay to take a little time out for yourself“ I purred as I traced my fingers down his soft, chubby belly.

“Now, now Naomi, I know you’re on my naughty list, I check it twice you know”

“I’d heard something to that effect” I laughed, copping a feel of his generous behind as the old man flustered.

“As a matter of fact, you’ve been on there for a number of years”

“Oh I know Santa, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends does it?” I favour him with a kiss on his rosy red cheek.

“Besides, I’m not looking for any presents from you; in fact it’s me that has something for you.”

“Something for me?” He asked with a gulp

“Oh it’s nothing bad I assure you” as I reached behind him to present him with my gift, a Christmas pudding, soaked in brandy.

“Naomi! You can’t eat Christmas pudding on Christmas Eve!”

“No one has to know Santa, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you were eating x-mas pud with a known naughty girl on the night before Christmas” I said this last part with a wink; I knew the man had weaknesses and I wasn’t above exploiting them to get what I wanted.

“Here” I said, digging into the pud with a shiny silver spoon

“At least try it, I put so much effort into it just for you”


“I’m not sure I trust you I’m afraid” was all he could stutter out. He wasn’t wrong to be fair; I showed him there was nothing to fear by sampling it myself.

“Mmm that’s so good” I moaned

“Please Santa, try my gift?” I presented him with a clean golden spoon and watched his face light up as he savoured the delicious pud.


He gobbled up the rest of the pudding like a man possessed, okay so he was a man possessed, happy?


“There’s a lovely golden knife and fork to go with that spoon of yours Santa, I left them at the dinner table for you.” With this I flicked on the lights to the dining room.

The dining table was full of all you would expect for a family Christmas dinner.


“Now Santa, you don’t have to eat all of this, I won’t be offended”

The words had barely left my mouth and he was at the table fixing himself a plate of turkey and all the trimmings.

He took a seat at the head of the table, greedily stuffing his maw with roast potatoes and parsnips, gravy spilling from the fat man’s lips as he desperately tried to cram more in.


“You look like you’re enjoying yourself Santa baby” I cooed in his ear

“would you like naughty Naomi to fix you another plate?”

I took his grunt as a sign of approval as I loaded a plate with roast beef, peas and carrots.

“Can’t forget your Brussels sprouts can we?” I laughed.


He demolished this second plate in the same fashion and had no complaints when I served him a third and a fourth. Sticky toffee pudding, spotted dick and another Christmas pudding were amongst the delicious deserts I ploughed into the jolly elf. We continued until there was no more, not a scrap left on the table.


“I imagine you’re feeling quite full now aren’t you?” I asked the obviously stuffed man in front of me, he nodded his agreement.

“It’s been quite a while since I’ve witnessed a man eat an entire turkey by himself, not to mention all the other goodies, you must be in need of release, I can give it to you if you’d like?”


His eyes pleaded yes as I tugged at his large leather belt, I undid his belt and opened his coat revealing the fruit of my hard work.

“My my I can see where the bowl full of jelly stuff comes from now” I giggle

“Look at the size of that thing! Come on, on your feet, I want to get a good look at you”


I pull the fat man to his feet, no small task now that he weighs considerably more than he did just an hour ago.

I trace my fingers over his burgeoning belly and give it a shake.

“Just like the stories”

I jostle his enlarged breasts jiggling them as I grin at him

“Oh dear Santa, how did you get so fat?”

I walk behind him and suddenly pull his pants to his ankles; I give his bottom a playful swat and watch his flesh jiggle uncontrollably.

“Don’t look now Santa but I’m not so sure this fat ass will even fit back up my chimney”

There’s a worried look on his face as I circle him

“I guess you’ll just have to spend the night here with me” a devious smile adorning my face.

“And don’t worry, what Mrs Claus doesn’t know won’t hurt her” I say as I press my crimson lips to his.